fail.

i debated for quite some time about posting this blog (which means like 10 minutes tops).

today, i felt like i failed repeatedly.

i debated about posting this blog because who likes to read people's complaints and because i was with wonderful people during this day who read this blog.  to those people: these are my own personal fails.  i was so thankful you were in my day to counter the fails with your awesomeness.

i think the biggest reason for these failures was the fact that it skyrocketed to 90 degrees today in chicago and i simply do not know how to deal with the heat.  i can manage cold: simply put on more clothes.  but heat... even after an entire lifetime lived in the midwest, i am stumped.

fail one: biking to church.
reasoning: sweat dripping.  LITERALLY.  think of when you go to the gym and you see the big meaty guy lifting weights and his sweat rolls off of him creating his own personal weight room pond.  as i sat in our church, trying to remain composed and thoughtful about the holy spirit, i couldn't help but be distracted by the sweat the kept dripping from my neck into my hair and onto my arms.  hopefully not onto the people next to me.

i tried to be thrifty.  but it was rather disgusting.

fail two: trying to fit too much into too little time.
reasoning: though it is a great idea to try and lay out for half an hour.  that half an hour turns into 45 minutes (due to good conversation and wonderful companionship) and then i become late and need to shower again because i am going to a concert where i want to look and smell good (and redeem the drippiness of the morning).  but this rushing is counterproductive because:

a. i am still sweaty and forced to choose a hairstyle that involves too much hairspray.
b. i am too late to take mass transit (since biking in 90 degree weather now = personal sweat ponds).
c. i must take a taxi for which i pay $15 = counter/anti-thriftiness = money i'm not sure i really have??

fail three: fried goodness/badness.
reasoning: since i've been biking more, thus using up more calories, i've not been eating responsively.  thus even after a smallish lunch, i was ravenous at 3:45pm.  but, instead of choosing something beneficial for my body, i was craving (and indulged in) fish and chips.  perhaps to make up for all the sodium i lost already?  not only was it simply un-beneficial once it passed through the back of my throat, i'm feeling a little bit iffy at the moment.  i also spent about $15 on this (because i threw in a salad out of guilt).

fail four: $30 spent thus far.  Plus an additional ~$3 for the bus trips in the evening.

fail five: friends visiting and leah being incredibly unprepared.
reasoning: no plan for them, being late in meeting them due to forgetting my keys, being exhausted with them and probably creating a rather anti-climactic chicago welcome.

fail six: i took three showers today.  three.
reasoning: 90 degree weather.  failure because of the amount of water = abuse of the environment and because i used a lot of body wash/shampoo/conditioner that is not free. 

though i've tried to be humorous, today just felt hard.  i feel unprepared for chicago (partially because a lot of summer things are back in iowa).  i feel poor, but unable to live thriftily and content in that (i have very few summery clothes... do i purchase some?  do i try and discipline my sweat glands?  do i make my mom spend uber amounts of postage to send me my clothes that may not even be suitable?).  i wish i was a better hostess/friend/energetic engaging person.

so, for the past hour i've been berating myself for these things.

i know i should take the embracing approach.  instead of lashing at myself angrily, embracing the things that happen.  like with running, instead of getting mad at the cramp or at the sore knee, saying to it, "hello cramp, i've been expecting you, come run with me" (...it was in this book i just read, it seems like a good idea?  albeit cutesy and new agey).

or more like the book "surrender to love" where the author encourages us to welcome our least desirable selves to the table with the other polished parts of self.  because when we embrace them, the dirty, the failed, the scarred, the annoying, the insecure, the angry, the awkward parts of our selves, of our days, of our friends, family, neighbors... really only then is there permission to move forward.  when we get past the illusion of "all is well" and "all is normal and likeable" do we actually live.

or something like that.

so... i am moving towards something more wholistic and "embracing" of my failures today... and i'm sure if i brought them before jesus, he would have a wonderfully gracious response.

i could also list six counter-fails...
one: biking to church today in a long skirt.
two: seeing and chatting with refreshing people at church.
three: soaking up some sun and having good conversation about the holy spirit.
four: getting to listen to a beautiful concert with someone i like.
five: experiencing a winning blackhawks game in a chicago bar & grill.
six: getting to spend time with college friends in chicago and plan some fun-filled days.
seven: fish and chips :)
eight: finding a pair of lightweight, but business casual shorts to wear.
nine: the fact that i can shower and enjoy it.
ten: the sun, the warmth, the coolness that the lake can bring to temper it.

that is, indeed, very helpful :).

but for now, and for honesty, i acknowledge that today was hard.  thus, i took a shower and ceremoniously washed it off of me (though also contributing to fail #6).  and now i've blogged and captured it in memory.  and now i will sleep.  and move on.  and be thankful for new, tender mercies in the morning.